Red Pill Blue Pill

I know me. I love colors. I love music. I worry a lot. I crave structure. I crave stability. I crave a sound mind. I love my space, I protect my space.

Though I am aware that there are so many things out of my control. That goes for relationships too. I have this thing in my head that returns in various seasons. I’ve been trying to shake it. I’d rather be in a space where I know won’t I won’t feel out of whack.

But every season comes with something new. I’m trying to master stillness by myself. For a long time I felt incredibly lonely. I still feel lonely. There is hope in still learning the things that make me different. Different in the things I look to for security. Different in my organic emotions. Different in my energy.

I set myself up. The mind games I play with myself are exhausting.

I cancel social plans sometimes; being present is challenging because I am always in my head.

Recently, I find myself tapping out of conversations I know I’d enjoy because I know how emotionally invested I can become and how quickly it can happen. I am incredibly intentional about who I have around me. While I choose wisely, I know placing expectations on people I care for becomes heavy over time. So, I’d rather avoid it at all costs.

Sometime during my adolescence I created this thought in my mind that no matter how good something was going, the ball would drop… sooner or later. This has manifested into different anxieties. Whether it be getting behind the steering wheel for a late night drive, travelling on the road down to The Ville (it’s only a four hour drive to Nashville from Cincinnati but I still have butterflies the whole drive), or expecting me out of relationships I’m in. Expecting my empathetic nature or expecting my altruistic spirit.

This mindset is incredibly conflicting because I find interest in so many things. My curiosity is loud. My aura is soft. My mind is tired.

I owe it to myself to be a better me. To aid in fixing the weird realities I’ve created in my own head.

Writing is my safe space. Creating is my remedy.